Monday, September 19, 2011

Psychology Today Article About Sadism/Masochism

Good morning, dear Readers,
I came upon this very informative article in Psychology Today that seems to answer the most common question asked by the vanilla, the curious and the new.... "Why?".

The Pleasure of the Pain: Why some people need S&M
written by Marianne Apostolides and published in  Psychology Today  September/October 1999


      Bind my ankles with your white cotton rope so I cannot walk. Bind my wrists so I cannot push you away. Place me on the bed and wrap your rope tighter around my skin so it grips my flesh. Now I know that struggle is useless, that I must lie here and submit to your mouth and tongue and teeth, your hands and words and whims. I exist only as your object. Exposed.


     Of every 10 people who read these words, one or more has experimented with sadomasochism (S&M), which is most popular among educated, middle-and-upper-middle-class men and women, according to psychologists and ethnographers who have studied the phenomenon. Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D., of the institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, has researched S&M to learn the motivation behind it--to understand why in the world people would ask to be bound, whipped and flogged. The reasons are as surprising as they are varied.


     For Mark, the desire became apparent when he was a child playing war games-he always hoped to be captured. "I was frightened that I was sick," he says. But now, he adds, as a well-seasoned player on the scene, "I thank the leather gods I found this community."
    At first the scene found him. When he was at a party in college a professor chose him. She brought him home and tied him up, telling him how bad he was for having these desires, even as she fulfilled them. For the first time he felt what he had only imagined, what he had read about in every S&M book he could find.
     Mark, a father and manager, has a Type A personality--in-control, hard-working, intelligent, and demanding. His intensity is evident on his face, in his posture, in his voice. But when he plays, his eyes drift and a peaceful energy flows through him as though he had injected heroin. With each addition of pain or restraint, he stiffens slightly, then falls into a deeper calm, a deeper peace, waiting to obey his mistress. "Some people have to be tied up to be
free," he says.
     As Mark's experience illustrates, sadomasochism involves a uniquely skewed power relationship established through role-playing, bondage, and/or the infliction of pain. In the sub-category known as Domination and Submission, or D&S, the essential component is not the pain or bondage itself, but rather the knowledge that one person has complete control over the other, deciding what that person will hear, do, taste, touch, smell and feel. We hear about men pretending to be little girls, women being bound in leather straps, people screaming in pain and ecstasy with each strike of a flogger or drip of hot wax. We hear about it because it is happening in bedrooms and dungeons across the country.
    For over a century, people who engaged in bondage, beatings and humiliation for sexual pleasure were considered mentally ill. But in the 1980s, the American Psychiatric Association removed S&M as a category in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This decision--like the decision to remove homosexuality as a category in 1973--was a big step toward the societal acceptance of people whose sexual desires aren't traditional, or vanilla, as it's called in S&M circles.

     What's new is that such desires are increasingly being considered normal, even healthy, as experts begin to recognize their psychological value. S&M, they are beginning to understand, offers a release of sexual and emotional energy that people cannot get from traditional sex.
     "The satisfaction gained from S&M is something far more than sex," explains Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Case Western Reserve University "It can be a total emotional release."  Although people report that they have better-than-usual sex immediately after a scene, the goal of S & M itself is not intercourse: "A good scene doesn't end in orgasm, it ends in catharsis."


Escaping the Modern Western Ego

     "Sadomasochism is a way people can forget themselves." Roy Baumeister, Ph.D., Professor of psychology, Case Western Reserve University. 

     "Nothing matters except you, me and the sound of my voice," Lily Fine, a professional dominatrix, tells the tied-up and exposed businessman who begged to be spanked before breakfast. She says it slowly, making her slave wait for every sound, forcing him to focus only on her, to float in anticipation of the sensations she will create inside him. Anxieties about mortgages and taxes, stresses about business partners and job deadlines are vanquished each time the flogger hits the flesh. The businessman is reduced to a physical creature existing only in the here and now, feeling the pain and pleasure. "I'm interested in manipulating what's in the mind," Lily says. "The brain is the greatest erogenous zone."

     In another S&M 'scene,' Lily tells a woman to take off her clothes, then dresses her only with a blindfold. She commands the woman not to move. Lily then takes a tissue and begins moving it over the woman's body in different patterns and at varying speeds and angles. Sometimes she lets the edge of the tissue just barely brush the woman's stomach and breasts; sometimes she bunches the tissue and creates swirls on her back and all the way down. "The woman was quivering. She didn't know what I was doing to her, but she was liking it," Lily remembers with a smile.

    Escape theory is further supported by an idea called "frame analysis," developed by the late Irving Goffman, Ph.D. According to Goffman, despite its popular conception as darkly wild and orgiastic, S&M play has complex rules, rituals, roles and dynamics that create a "frame" around the experience. "Frames are like fantasies--they suspend reality. They create expectations, norms and values that set this situation apart from other parts of life," confirms Thomas Weinberg, Ph.D., a sociologist at Buffalo State College in New York and the editor of S&M: Studies in Dominance & Submission (Prometheus Books, 1995). Once inside the frame, people are free to act and feel in ways they couldn't at other times.


S&M: Part of the Sexual Continuum


S&M has inspired the creation of many psychological theories in addition to the ones discussed here. Do we need so many? Perhaps not according to Stephanie Saunders Ph.D., associate director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University, "a lot of behaviors that are scrutinized because they are seen to be marginal are really a part of the continuum of sexuality and sexual behavior." After all, the ingredients in good S&M play-communication, respect and trust-are the same ingredients in good traditional sex. The outcome is the same, too-a feeling of connection to the body and the self.





Monday, September 12, 2011

Looking to Be a Live-In Submissive

I can't tell you the countless emails I get from men asking for a live-in situation. Are they stupid? Do they think I am stupid? Can you imagine? "Yes, I like your profile, you can move in right away." Not in this lifetime!!!

Choosing a submissive for a live-in situation, or for any situation, is a serious undertaking. This is your HOME we are talking about. A submissive looking for a brief session has to go through a meeting process, and interview and inspection process AND provide references before they can even come to my playspace for an hour! What in the HELL makes these people think that by calling me cute names like "Goddess" and promising eternal slavery is going to make me let them move in with me?!

A live-in submissive needs to be someone you KNOW, and someone who is well known in the bdsm community. My subs who are looking for a live-in situation need to be friends (and I mean active friends) with me for at LEAST a year, and then 6 solid months of training on top of that. They have to come for short visits, then weekend visits, then long (1-2 week) visits before they can even be considered for a live-in relationship.

I don't care if you lost your job. I don't care if you live with your parents. I don't care if you are getting evicted next week. I don't care if your Mistress from 8 years ago who lives 500 miles away can provide me with a killer reference. I don't know you. You aren't coming to my house. Are you seriously that arrogant that you think you can send me two flirtatious messages and I am going to move you right in? Get over yourself.

Reunited

After a long several months of not having my sissy maid to serve Me, she has finally returned home where she belongs. It was a joyous reunion, complete with tears, and she finally got to wear the beautiful Italian silk uniform that I had chosen for her that has been hanging in my closet for over 6 weeks.

She arrived on time and bestowed upon me some lovely gifts, and soon after we proceeded to the playspace. I collared her, and presented her with her new italian silk uniform and matching shoes.
Sissy and I took our time together. Hell it took almost an hour just to lace her into her new uniform for the first time.
We didn't care about service, we didn't care about play. All we cared about was that we were FINALLY together again. I relished in making her beautiful, after carefully applying her makeup and dressing her, we spent some time just being together; laughing and hugging and being silly. Isn't she beautiful?


She loves me.


It didn't take long before I wanted to warm up the ol' impact toys. Her ass is just too spankable to not give any attention to. It had been months since she has felt the sting of my paddle, and I could tell her pain tolerance had gone way down... but it needed to be done. She needed to think of me every time she sat down.

To satisfy her need to serve, she folded several baskets of laundry, but service wasn't on my mind. We just wanted to be near each other. Sometimes, when a Domme and a sub are as emotionally connected as we are, being together is all that matters.

My sissy's thoughts on coming home:
Reunion with my Mistress.

  For those that are faithful readers of this blog, you know that I was working out of town for the summer, and wasn't able to serve my Mistress for almost five long months. We did see each other over that time, but they were only short visits, with no sissy time. I can't even tell you how difficult that was for us both. She was also understanding enough to release me from my chastity cage, so it wouldn't interfere with the physical labor required for my job. I locked it on when I could, but it's just not the same. We did keep in constant communication, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
  We did do some "sissy shopping", as Mistress likes to call it, so that helped too. She picked out a beautiful new maid uniform for me, shoes and all, and it was pure torture waiting the last month to wear it for her.
  Finally, the day was here that we were reuinited properly. We chatted for a little while, kind of letting the anticipation we both felt build a little more. Then, it was time to dress in my new uniform...
  The first thing she did, was put my collar on, and replace the cheap little lock on my CB with Her lock...the one I have no keys for. Hearing the click of that lock was soothing, and it felt so wonderful to be under her control again.
  Mistress did my makeup for me (she is awesome at it) so I would look as good as possible, and then directed me to put on my black fishnet stockings. Then it was time to dress.
  We both just stood there for a moment, admiring my new uniform on the hanger. It is absolutely beautiful! Custom made for me from Italian silk, it has a corset type lace up bodice and back, with pretty white bows at the short sleeves, full black petticoat, matching lace trimmed panties, lacy headband, and two different aprons...one full style, and a shorter waist apron. I was so excited just looking at it.
  Mistress Julianna wanted the pleasure of dressing me in it for the first time. I can't even describe how I felt when she started dressing me. As she pulled it over my head and into place, and started adjusting the back lacing, all of these emotions washed over me. I was back with my Mistress after so long, and she was dressing me in a beautiful new uniform to serve her. I couldn't help it, I started to tear up a little. She saw this, smiled her beautiful smile at me, and "warned" me not to mess up my make-up. I told her I would do my best, but felt like I was going to start blubbering any minute! I was just so happy.
  She kissed me on the cheek, and went back to dressing me. When the dress was to her satisfaction, she handed me the panties and petticoat to step into. With those in place, she put the full apron on me, adjusting the straps, and tieing a beautiful big bow in back. She said she loved the way the bow sat right at the top of my butt. She gave me my new shoes, and watched intently as I put them on and buckled the ankle straps. Kneeling before her, she put the final peice on...the beautiful headband. Putting her hand on my chin, she raised my head and looked into my eyes and said "You look absolutely wonderful sissy".
  Having me stand, she just stood there and looked at me for a few minutes, smiling her wonderful, devious smile all the time. After a whole bunch of pictures, it was finally playtime for Mistress. I won't go into a lot of detail, as those sessions are very private for us, but let's just say she LOVES spanking me, and she hadn't for 5 months...you do the math...LOL
  I spent the rest of our time together enjoying being back with my wonderful Mistress, whom I missed so much over the summer. I brought her drinks, and anything else she wanted, and spent some time folding laundry for her. I was in sissy heaven. I was with my Mistress, serving her as a sissy maid should, trying to make her life easier. It was all I could do to not spend the whole day blubbering tears of sissy joy, but I made it.
  I lover her so much...it's good to be home.
 -cdangela

NOTE: New pics posted in the Photos section!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Best Shopping Season Ever!

Well, my kinky friends, my favorite shopping season has come. No I don't mean Black Friday. Not Holiday Clearance time either. I am talking about HALLOWEEN!!!

This is the PERFECT time to stock up on all your kinky shoes, costumes and accessories! Every year around this time I buy out all the fishnet stockings at $3 a pair. I love to hit those Halloween shops for some of the coolest sexy outfits, gloves, fishnet tops, wigs, gothic jewelry and everything in between.

I hope to find my Dirty Doctor costume this year! Ohhh how wonderful to tie you to a table and give you a naughty "exam"!  Scared? You should be!

One tip though, don't depend on Halloween shops for your equipment. Costume whips and floggers are exactly that, for COSTUMES. Don't be cheap when it comes to your tools.

Been missing my kinky content? Sissy comes home this week! Be on the lookout for new content and photos!!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Titles

It seems so often in the lifestyle that people feel the need to have an impressive title to be accepted. This is definitely not the case. Jumping into the lifestyle for your first time with a grand title like Master, Mistress, even Lady is not only deceiving, but it is a downright lie. These are titles that need to be earned through your actions, experience and acceptance in the BDSM community.

The word MASTER indicates a level of expertise. If you are new to the lifestyle, you certainly are not a Master. A Dominant is a person with a dominant aspect in their personality, be it sexual or otherwise. A Master is a Dominant with significant real life BDSM experience.
Same goes with MISTRESS, though by definition is not the same, it gives the same idea to other lifestylers. A Mistress or Lady is a Dominant female (or Domme) with significant real life BDSM experience.

If you have chosen your title to make your orientation known, Sir or Dom is recommended for males, and Domme or Ms is recommended for females. Dont try to be something you are not. You wont get any respect that way.

"The Master/Mistress is beyond the last level of the Dominant. They are generally well experienced, often having LIVED as a full time slave for up to several years as part of their training. Yes, training. This title USED TO BE given within the local communities in a ceremonial way when the individual had earned this title by the estimation of a majority consensus agreement of the Dominants within that local community. It was considered to be a high honor and carried with it a measure of respect by all those so encountering it."*

With BDSM slowly becoming more and more a trendy, mainstream thing, true lifestylers are constantly struggling to maintain the importance of the words Master and Mistress. If we do not maintain the protocol, the lifestyle is just going to become a joke.

*quoted from http://www.angelfire.com/md2/domsub/domaster.html

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Nominated

Good afternoon, dear readers!

Something pretty cool has come my way.
I have been nominated for the Bloggers Choice Awards under the category of Freakiest Blogger! (who, me?) 
I am thoroughly delighted and honored to have been nominated for this award and it would please me so much if you would vote for me.
Please vote for me HERE!

You have to create an account (sorry, at least it is quick though) but luckily they do not spam you or anything like that.
Looking forward to watching the vote tally go up!

Thank you so much to xfaeriedustx for nominating me, thank you to everyone who votes for me, and thank you all for reading The Lady Commands !

BDSM Online Resources

I have put together this list of online resources containing information, tips, ideas and more for both newbies and seasoned kinksters alike. There is lots of good information out there, and I hope that newbie kinksters will take the time to study some before they throw themselves into potentially dangerous situations. Keep in mind that all the reading in the world cannot compare to real life experience. Join your local bdsm group!!!