Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Feel Pretty (or "Operation: Remove Lost Buttplug")

This actually happened a couple months ago, and I have posted it in other locations, but for the sake of sharing it (it's pretty damn amusing), I figured I may as well go ahead and share it here also. Enjoy!

So there I was, minding my own business, just finished sucking off the hubby when my slave Bacon text messages to me from the front room these weird cryptic messages like " We need to put a chain on this thing " and such. Hmmm. Well I ignore him because, well, he isn't making any sense... again... and finally he comes out and says it.
He has lost his butt plug.
In his ass.
I have heard of such things happening but have never had the experience. So I ask my fellow pervs for advice. Needless to say there are many jokes made (poor Bacon) and some advice being tossed around. Well I was a labor coach in the past and my first instinct to tell him to squat and push. No luck.
I am still in the bedroom, asking my husband "Should I go help him?" and poor hubby... shakes head poor, poor hubby.... has to be up in four hours to go to work.
I am now disturbing my husband with my kinky slave adventures.
I tell the slave to just reach up in there and dig it out. I offered ideas... i have an enema. I have a speculum. I have rubber gloves... oh wait, no I don't... I am NOT digging that toy out of your ass without a glove. sigh Squat and push some more.
Sooooo after a few minutes I hear him flitting around in the bathroom, so I go to check on him, and there he is, squatting in the bathtub with a jar of Vaseline, finger in his ass, singing "I Feel Pretty."
Well I am a little worried now, it's about an hour into it, and no luck yet. He, OF COURSE, just cannot relax, which I decided was the cause of the problem... so I leave the bathroom and come back with a valium and a shot of tequila. Of course I don't want him touching my good shot glass with his vaseline-y ass hands, so i drop the pill in his mouth and pour in the tequila. Down the hatch it goes. I sit there for a bit, googling what to do if you lose a toy in your ass. All the while, I am really thinking about what he is gonna say to the ER doctor when we get there. "Hey I was walking around the sex toy store when I tripped and fell on this buttplug." Hmmm....
Ok, to hell with it, let's try the enema. I will try anything at this point. So now here is my slave, buzzed on tequila, with his face on the bathtub floor, ass in the air, humming "I Feel Pretty" while I pump half a quart of water up his ass. Wait, what's this? It's not going in? OF COURSE the enema tip got clogged, there is also half a jar of vaseline up his ass. Grrr. Fine. Clean the tip. Refill. Try again. In goes the water. Now he sits up, pale and sweaty, he looks like he is gonna puke. Damn tequila. Now everyone knows that you have to keep your ass in the air when using an enema. "Ass up" I say, and off I go to check on my husband, who is now laying in bed, face red, tears in his eyes from laughter. "It's not funny," I say. "Ohhh yes it is," he says "but can you get the damn thing out so I can go to sleep?"
I holler to slave from the bedroom, asking is he is ready to try. He is. I lay on the bed and watch across the hall, my poor naked slave on the toilet, all pale and sweating, pushing and grunting, when I finally hear the "pissing" sound of the enema water.
"Is it working?"
"...No, Ma'am"
"Just water, no plug?"
"... Yes, Ma'am."
FUCK. And then, wait... wait.. he looks... inquisitive.... then pensive... then very very serious... and finally I hear "plooop."
I tell him to fish it out of the toilet. Now mind you, after seeing all of what I just described with my own eyes, administering the enema myself, etc, the slave CLOSES THE DOOR to fish the toy out of the toilet. Um... ok? A little privacy to reach in the loo but none needed to reach in his ass? Hmmmm.
Anyway he came into the bedroom and sat on the floor a bit while the three of us enjoyed the laughter and even moreso, the RELIEF! Scary, scary stuff. I feel bad, but I assume no responsibility. This is specifically why he is not allowed to masturbate unsupervised.
Anyway, that's my story. Hopefully it will bring a few chuckles and a little wisdom too. Be oh-so-careful with anal play, my friends.... or you might end up face down in the bathtub with a jar of vaseline singing Sondheim and Bernstein's "West Side Story." I feel prettyyyyy, oh so prettyyyyyy, I feel pretty and witty and gayyyyyyy......


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Bwahahahah. :D This made me giggle quite a lot.

Anonymous said...

Buy him a tail... get a horse tail and braid It if you ain't into petplay... any pet or slave of mine did that.... well, no... I couldn't punish them, I would be to busy laughing my ass off... just wow. Lol.

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